My 35 Year Old Trial....

I have been thinking a lot about myself lately. I know that sounds narcissistic, but I have. I have come to the conclusion (with the help of having a lot of discussions with my husband, the kind where I usually end up crying and he ends up frustrated...you know the kind, and a lot of deep conversations with my therapist, and sister, Melissa) that I can't say "NO" to anyone. Even as a child I remember doing anything anyone asked of me... of course, my family is rolling their eyes right about now because for some reason my family is exempt from this problem I have!

I have always been overly concerned for others' feelings... and could never imagine offending, even accidentally, someone else - almost to the point where I forget about my own feelings and those of whom I should be most concerned; my family. I have had a lot of people ask favors of me. Some don't seem like big favors.... you know, watch my kids for the afternoon, or something along those lines, but I have to tell you that some days the thought of doing anything like that is enough to send me over the edge! I have had a week straight of sharp ear pain and headaches and migraines. I am so used to these this kind of thing, that I can almost function most of the time, with the rare episode when I am just completely unable to do anything. Although I am functioning, I am not really living... and not really up for adding more to my already over-flowing plate. So why is it that I can't say NO!? Why is it that I would rather harbor feelings of resentment towards someone who heaps more on my plate, unknowingly, and feel frustrated and overwhelmed myself, than to just kindly tell them, "I wish I could, but I just can't do it right now!"

Along the same lines, the person who probably heaps the most on my overflowing plate is the one person who should know not to - ME! Because not only can I not say NO to anyone, I have to volunteer and SAY YES to EVERYONE.... even people who are not asking me to do anything for them. I guess to say that I don't want to offend anyone is an understatement. Not only do I not want them to be offended, I don't want them to feel like I don't care. Because I do. Although I never harbor bad feelings toward someone I am helping out because I volunteered, or someone who really needs me to watch their kids, for a doctor's appointment or something, it's just the ones I feel are using me that I struggle with - and still can't say no to.

Again, along the same lines, I not only want everyone to feel loved by me, I wouldn't want anyone to go to any trouble on my behalf. I wouldn't ask anyone to do anything for me.... really ever. I hate doing that kind of thing. That is why I made a horrible Young Womens president; I wouldn't ever ask my counselors to do anything I could do myself. And it's not that I think they couldn't do, most likely, a better job than I could at the task, but that I couldn't stand to ask them to do something for me.... even though it wasn't for me at all, and they would have received the blessings of the service. So, really, it's not fair for me to deny them those blessings.

Anyway, what I am realizing is that I have a sickness. I have got to learn that it is OK if there are people that don't like me... and really I know that there are people who don't like me now - even when I am trying to be everything to everyone! It is OK to say NO. If someone can't understand that I would do it if I could, then it's their problem, not mine. Does anyone else have this sickness and feel like they just have to change before they lose it!? How do you deal with these kinds of situations? I need your suggestions!