My lesson not yet learned...

You know, I am so blessed! I have been struggling for quite some time now with my health, and feel pretty bad a lot of the time! I have been feeling sorry for myself, and especially sorry for my kids and husband that they have to have a sick mother/wife. No kid should have to have their mom start to cry when they ask if they can just have a bedtime story... and then tell them "No, I am so sorry, but I just can't do one more thing... please just go get in bed!!" So much of the time I try to do all the normal things even when I am in pain, but some days I can't do them!! I can hardly even function with the things I have to do, muchless any extra things. I can't remember even a single prayer that was said by my husband or kids in the last couple of years that didn't ask Heavenly Father to help me get better. Well, I just guess that I am supposed to be learning something from this trial, and I am not done learning it yet. I know that I have learned a lot already, though. I have never really had chronic pain before, and never understood what people who do are going through. I have learned a lot of compassion for others with pain and suffering. I know it changes who that person is. You can not judge anybody, because everyone is dealing with their own set of trials. I wish that was the lesson I had to learn, so the Lord could take this trial from me, but I think the other lesson is one that can't just be taught that quickly - I think it is the lesson of patience and being long suffering. Now, I think I have learned that, but in all reality there are so many people who struggle with pain and trials far worse than mine and they never get any relief from them until they die. I can now look on death as more of a blessing, rather than a curse for those people in pain. I have learned a much greater reliance on the Lord and what He can do to help me. I could not make it through a day without Him. I remember feeling this same way about 10 years ago, when I was going through more of a spiritual sickness. I needed Him in a completely different way then, and He was there. I am amazed at how quickly I am filled with the spirit and with peace when I cry out to Him in prayer! "I cannot say the smallest part of which I feel!!"
This is one of my favorite poems that I learned from my Dad as a young woman. I never really understood it as I do now:

Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
"I will not have you with me anymore."
I stamped my foot and said, " Be on your way,"
And paused there startled at the look he wore.
"I, who have been your friend," he said to me,
"I, who have been your teacher -- all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?"
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender in my breast.
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song --
Even for one who'd tortured me so long.

One lesson that I feel my kids have really been learning through all of this is a greater desire to pray. Last night I was feeling pretty bad. I had been crying a lot yesterday, and of course my kids are always right with me, and so they see so much of the bad. Last night when Jackson was saying his prayers he said, "Please bless Mommy that she can get feeling better. I am so thankful for her and for all she does and for all Daddy does, and I love them so much." I just started bawling right there, because he prays with so much thought, and his prayers fill me with the spirit! I don't know many little kids who pray like that! I truly am blessed.... and even when I think I cannot go on, I have to remember all the Lord has given me! I have a loving husband who is so patient and kind to me. He never seems frustrated by all that I can't do right now in my life! He listens to my endless complaints and cries and somehow lifts me up through all of this! I don't know what I would do without him. I also have so many caring family members and friends. I appreciate the concern and prayers that they have sent my way. I feel almost silly writing all of this down because I feel like I am trying to get attention to what my situation is, but I just had to write to remind myself that I am blessed. I also wanted to thank everyone who gives me the support I need. Thank you all so much!